Excitement or Lack Thereof

I've probably had that same title before, but I'll use it again. I got tired of leaving comments and having the same 2 week old post title, so I thought I needed something different.

It seems like all of the guys I've been running into online have been dominant and I haven't ran into one in real life. Well, let me put it this way, the ones in real life will say they are but when push comes to shove, they aren't. So, I'm wondering if any really exist in real life? You're probably reading this (if you are a guy) and saying, well, I'm that way and I'm real. Maybe I'm just doubting this because I'm not getting any period. ha ha

I'm also thinking about how it is to be submissive. Yes, it's a real turn on, but I've yet to really experience it. I'm just afraid (yes, I know I'm not supposed to be afraid), that I'll totally freak out. I know I need to get over that. I also know that the big thing is that I need to be with someone that I totally trust and don't want to be in that situation with anyone. Ya know?

Oh, another thing, I wish I could find someone local that wouldn't be so vanilla. Vanilla can be great, but I want someone totally different. You know how that is, well, I need to find that certain person. CL or AFF are totally out of the picture. If you only knew where I lived, then you would know what I mean. Plus, I'm from a very small town and if I told anyone about finding someone like this, I could basically pin a large 'A' on my shirt, literally or everybody in the town would know about me. You all think you have it bad in a big city, but just think about us where everybody knows out name?

I *think* I'm going to see S. tomorrow. Yes, I know I should be shouting it from the rooftops, but I still pessimistic about this whole situation. He's cancelled twice, which was week before last and the week before that. I know I shouldn't be that way, but when the other person's like that, you start getting that way. By the way, my whole world doesn't revolve around him, so it's not like I'm planning my non-existant plans around him. I just had to make that clear.

Dang, not getting any certainly helps you think about what you want, afraid of and need.

After thinking about this post, it probably came off as thinking that I'm whiny and can't make up my mind. I certainly can tell you that I'm not that way.